


Dear Diary: Fuck My Life

by Bow_of_Artemis



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Coming Out, Diary/Journal, First Kiss, Getting Together, High School, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Stargazing, Underage Drinking, teenagers being dumb, teenagers in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23400211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bow_of_Artemis/pseuds/Bow_of_Artemis
Summary: Dear diaryWhat the fuck am I? A pre-teen girl?Dear journalThat’s fucking stupid.Fuck it, I basically am a pre-teen girl at this point who the fuck else would be writing all this gross shit downDear diary,Why the fuck am I like this?--Or: Richie gets a diary, Eddie gets a girlfriend, and everything turns to shit.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Original Female Character(s), Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 7
Kudos: 133





	Dear Diary: Fuck My Life

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally meant to be inspired by I Am Not Okay With This on Netflix but then it turned into it's own thing and the longest fic I've ever written. I would like to thank quarantine for locking me in my room with endless time and my best friend for enabling all of my actions. (Also I know that canonically Beverly moves away but I decided that I didn't like that so the gangs all here)

_~~Dear diary~~ _

_What the fuck am I? A pre-teen girl?_

_~~Dear journal~~ _

_That’s fucking stupid._

_Fuck it, I basically am a pre-teen girl at this point who the fuck else would be writing all this gross shit down_

_Dear diary,_

_Why the fuck am I like this? My stupid brain is all muddled up with thoughts and emotions and I needed some place to let them out, otherwise I would explode. I fucking like Eddie, as in like like Eddie (Jesus really hammering home the fact that I am basically a pre-teen girl) and my brain won’t shut the fuck up about it. It’s been like three years I thought that this would just be some weird fluke and it would go away but, all its done is stick around and grow. I fucking carved our initials into the Kissing Bridge hoping that would just let it out and I could be done with it. But no. If anything, that made it even worse. I’m running out of things to write so do I sign off? Is that even a thing? I don’t know but it doesn’t feel right to just use my name so how about:_

_-Dumbass (yeah that feels fitting)_

***

On a Saturday a few weeks into the Loser’s junior year, all of the Losers are hanging out in the clubhouse. Bill and Mike are in a very heated debate on whether tomatoes are gross or not, with the other Losers pitching in their sides.

“They’re d-d-disgusting! They t-t-taste like b-b-b-batteries!” Bill argues to Mike who is sitting across from him, rolling his eyes. Despite the fact that Bill has been in speech therapy for the past couple of years, his stutter still comes back whenever he gets heated about something. The fact today it’s about tomatoes is something Richie is really enjoying.

“What do you mean? They taste so nice and refreshing!” Mike counters. Richie can’t really remember how this whole debate started but he’s finding it endlessly entertaining. Two generally mild-mannered people getting unnecessarily riled up? To Richie this is comedy gold. 

“G-God, and the t-t-texture, Mike! W-W-What about that nasty s-s-s-squishy t-texture?” It is at this point Richie seizes his opportunity.

“Hey, don’t talk about Eddie’s mom’s vagina that way, Bill!” Richie says and he watches the rest of the Loser’s faces wrinkle up in disgust as they all beep him. In all honesty, Richie also feels sick at the thought, but he still sits their smugly, basking in the reactions of the other Losers.

“Fuck off, dude,” Eddie says, leaning backwards to shove Richie, who is currently occupying the hammock. Him and Eddie don’t fit in it together anymore, at least not after Richie’s growth spurt in freshman year. They practically would have to lie on top of each other and even then it’s dangerously unstable. Richie watches as Eddie’s face turns slightly red and the flash of annoyance in his eyes that still comes whenever Richie makes a particularly gross reference to his mother. Even after all these years, Richie still manages to get a rise out of him. _‘Cute’_ Richie’s brain supplies and Richie forces down a smirk, he will never get tired of the fire in Eddie’s eyes. Richie’s comment seems to have put Bill and Mike off their argument, probably for fear of even more disgusting thoughts that they don’t want to have Richie put in their heads. There is a moment of silence in the group where nobody speaks until Eddie clears his throat and everyone turns to look at him.

“Hey, uh, I didn’t know when to tell you all this, but I have some news,” Eddie says, and the Losers look up him curiously. Richie’s mind suddenly starts racing with possibility. Richie curses the butterflies of hope that are already flapping around wildly inside his stomach. The other Losers are all looking at Eddie, obviously intrigued. Richie almost makes a joke but thinks better of it when he sees the nerves in Eddie’s eyes. “I-” he starts, and Richie can see his hands subtly wringing each other “I have a girlfriend.”

Richie swears he feels his heart drop out through his chest. All the butterflies have seemingly dropped dead and have been replacing will a low, bubbling anger. Of fucking course Eddie has a girlfriend, that’s just perfect. Richie angrily curses himself for being stupid enough to of ever had hope in the past that Eddie could have ever liked him back. Of course, Eddie’s not- not like Richie. All of those little glances Richie could have sworn he thought he saw Eddie give him and those tiny little touches that Richie’s mind blew up into the biggest thing in the world at that moment. All of the hope of the back of Richie’s mind has suddenly been completely crushed away.

“Eddie, that’s great!” Richie hears Bev call, snapping him back into the present moment.

“Yeah man, I’m so happy for you,” Ben says, clapping Eddie on his back. Oh yeah, he’s meant to feel happy for Eddie, not like a black sludge of anger and jealousy over something that was _obviously_ going to happen at some point. Eddie is funny, he’s cute, he’s nice, all the things that would make him perfect for some girl, or at least basically anyone who wasn’t Richie.

“Who is she?” Mike asks and Richie sees a small smile forming on Eddie’s face. A smile over some stupid fucking girl, not Richie, it will _never_ be over Richie. Richie keeps reminding himself of that.

“Uh, Stephanie Prince,” Eddie admits quietly. Stephanie Prince was a girl that had transferred to Derry in the middle of last year. Although she wasn’t exactly in the popular crowd, she certainly wasn’t a Loser like them. She was nice and gentle and even Richie could see that she was pretty. She was basically everything that Richie wasn’t. By this point any previous hope that Richie had that Eddie could, in some miracle, actually like him back, was completely dead and gone. As dead as that Pennywise fucker better be. Richie hears Bill whistle quietly.

“N-nice going,” Bill says, and Richie sees a blush of embarrassment climbing up Eddie’s cheeks. It’s far less cute than Richie thought it was earlier. Richie thinks he hears Eddie thank him quietly, but Richie can’t be sure, his mind is loud with buzzing. He wasn’t prepared in the slightest for this news and all of his thoughts are starting to get busy and scrambled. It’s the noise in his mind that causes Richie to lose self-control as his next words tumble out.

“Well I guess that means Eds here isn’t a fairy after all.” Richie regrets it as soon as the words leave his lips but it’s too late to stop them. Richie wishes more than anything that he could take the words from where they’re hanging in the air and shove them back in his mouth. Richie sees the Losers look at him with anger and annoyance and they all seem too shocked to know what to say. Instead, they just choose to sit there in a brief moment of silence staring at Richie, shocked.

“Beep fucking beep you asshole!” Eddie exclaims aggressively, finally breaking the silence. He’s not in his normal tone that Richie knows that there’s no true anger behind his words. No, this time Eddie is fucking _pissed,_ and Richie can’t stand to be in the clubhouse anymore. He doesn’t trust himself not to say more words that he won’t be able to take back. He also can’t stand the disappointed and annoyed glares of the other Losers. He feels like they’re eyes are staring right into his soul and, to Richie, that’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world.

“Whatever, I’m leaving,” Richie says dismissively before clambering up the clubhouse ladder then slamming the hatch down behind him. Richie finds his way over to his bike and he doesn’t make it more than a few feet before he promptly throws up in the bushes. The acidity burns his throat and he forcefully blinks away the tears in his eyes before speeding home, hoping nobody can be bothered to follow him.

***

_Dear Diary_

_Well, today is probably one of the worst days of my entire life. And this is coming from someone who spent a whole summer almost getting murdered in the sewer. Of course Eddie has a fucking girlfriend now, I mean, good for him he deserves to have someone who makes him happy. I just have to get over the fact that it’s not me and it can never and will never be me. But Stephanie Prince is nice, I’m sure she and Eddie balance out each other great. Not like me and him. All I seem to be able to do is make him annoyed, there is no reason he should even want to be friends with me. God, especially not after what I said today. ‘I guess that mean Eds here isn’t a fairy after all’ of all fucking things I could have said THAT was what came out?! I’m the fucking fairy in the Losers club who the fuck am I to say shit like that. Fuck me I-_

Richie suddenly stops writing at the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. The footsteps sound much lighter than those of Richie’s parents and Richie realises just in time that it must be Eddie. Richie practically throws himself across the room out of his desk chair and onto his bed, shoving the diary under his pillow as fast as he possibly can. He grabs the comic nearest to him and finds a position to sit on the side of his bed just in time for Eddie to slam open his bedroom door. It had been almost an hour since Richie left the clubhouse, Eddie obviously giving Richie some much needed space. Or maybe, trying to avoid Richie for as long as he could.

“So do you want to tell me what the fuck that was back at the clubhouse?” Eddie demands. He’s standing at the foot of Richie’s bed with his arms crossed over his chest and fire in his eyes. Despite his shorter stature, he can still act intimidating when he wants. Richie used to think that Eddie was like a little firecracker, he decides it’s far less cute when he’s the one about to get burned.

“I- well,” Richie tries but he honestly doesn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell Eddie the truth even if he wanted to, the words wouldn’t be able to find their way out. But he can’t stay silent either, he doesn’t know how much more he can take of Eddie glaring at him like that. “I-” Richie tries again and Eddie looks at him expectantly but when no words come out Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Oh, _now_ you don’t know what to say, I thought all you knew how to do was talk?!” This only makes Richie sink further in on himself. “Why can’t you just be happy for me for once in your fucking life!” Eddie exclaims and Richie feels a stab of guilt. He has been too caught up in his own emotions to even attempt to be happy for Eddie, if Richie truly cared about him, surely he would be happy for Eddie.

“I just don’t want to lose you as a friend!” Richie blurts suddenly, surprising himself. But it’s true, he really, really doesn’t want to lose Eddie as a friend. The only thing worse than having to see Eddie happy with someone else would be not being able to see him at all. Eddie looks taken aback, obviously surprised that that was what Richie had to say.

“What?” Eddie asks with a confused laugh; his tone completely changed from the vicious attack it was before. It’s much softer this time and Richie slightly relaxes from his tense state. Eddie’s arms drop from where they were crossed over his chest and instead hang loosely by his side.

“I was just scared that because you have a girlfriend you won’t have time to spend with me,” Richie admits quietly and as he says it, he knows that it’s true. Spending time with Eddie is his favourite time of the day, even when it hurts, because it feels like old times. RichieandEddie, EddieandRichie, them two against the world. They were always closer to each other than they were to the other Losers and now Richie’s scared that that was just his own feelings clouding his perception of their relationship. Then, he feels the mattress dip beside him as Eddie comes and sits next to him.

“Of course I’ll still spend time with you, idiot,” Eddie says, leaning over to knock his shoulder against Richie’s. Richie feels himself quietly smile. “As long as you promise to not be an asshole.” Richie laughs, Eddie’s finally acting more normal again, maybe Richie didn’t fuck everything up.

“I’ll always be an asshole,” Richie says, and he can see Eddie roll his eyes “but I promise to not say other stupidly mean things.” And it’s true, Richie doesn’t know if he can handle seeing that look of hurt in Eddie’s eyes again. Sure, he’d said things that were probably a step too far before, but he’d never seen Eddie as hurt and angry as he was back at the clubhouse. Richie holds out his pinkie finger and Eddie laughs. They haven’t pinkie-promised each other in years. But despite his laugh, Eddie hooks his pinkie finger around Richie’s anyway and they shake them for a few seconds before letting their hands fall back into their own laps.

“Pleasure doing business with you sir,” Richie says in a terrible impersonation of a ‘businessman’ voice and Richie feels some butterflies return to his stomach when he sees Eddie badly try to fight away a smile. He hates giving Richie the satisfaction of knowing the Eddie thinks that he’s funny. They sit in silence for a few minutes just enjoying each other’s company and Richie thinks that he could spend the rest of his life like this and die happy. Then Eddie goes and breaks the silence with something that Richie had desperately been trying to ignore.

“So, I’m introducing Stephanie to the rest of the Losers tomorrow, do you want to come?” Fucking Stephanie, but Richie knows that he can’t be asshole about this again. Eddie sounds so genuine and Richie knows that he can’t say no. As much as he desperately doesn’t want to meet Stephanie, he’s going to have to swallow his pride and do it sometime.

“Uh yeah, sure,” Richie agrees with a faked happiness in his voice. As awful as the prospect seems, Eddie’s smile makes up for it.

“Well great, we’re meeting up at Freese’s for ice cream at about 1 tomorrow. The weather’s meant to be nice and it’s probably one of the last times it’ll be warm enough this year.”

“I’ll be there,” Richie agrees even if it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Anything to make Eddie happy. God help him, he really is weak.

***

_Dear diary,_

_Thank fucking god. I don’t know how much longer I could have lasted with Eddie being mad at me. I felt like such a piece of shit after what I said earlier but now, finally, I feel alright again. Sure, I have to go and meet Stephanie ‘homewrecker’ Prince ~~but I’d do anything for Eddie~~. Ew no I hate that. I just have to convince myself that I’m happy for Eddie because I AM. God I hope Stephanie doesn’t turn out to be an asshole who doesn’t deserve Eddie. Or maybe I do, then they might break up. But then Eddie would be sad, why are there no good options?? But at least I made Eddie smile again today, that’s something. _

_-Dumbass_

***

It’s almost 1 the next day and Richie is standing around the corner from Freese’s. He’s never early to things so he’s hiding where the other Losers can’t see him. Richie knows it’s stupid, but he needs a moment to himself. His foot is tapping against the pavement nervously and Richie is desperately trying to get himself under control. There’s no reason for him to be nervous, if anyone it should be Eddie who’s nervous, but Richie’s stupid monkey brain is running wild with the various way he could fuck up in front of Eddie and make him mad.

It isn’t long before Richie sees Eddie and Stephanie approaching the group of Losers, everyone except Richie already standing around waiting. It takes Richie a second to realise that they’re holding hands but once he does, he forces his jealousy deep down inside him, now is not the time to act like an asshole. Richie watches as Eddie introduces Stephanie to each of the Loser’s, only faintly able to hear his voice.

“Where’s Richie?” Eddie asks after finishing with the introductions, and Richie watches as the rest of the Losers shrug.

“We assumed he wasn’t coming” Mike says, and Richie still feels the remnants of guilt for being such as asshole yesterday. He decides that he doesn’t want to hear them talk about him, scared of what they might say.

“Yo, Eduardo!” Richie announces strolling up to the Losers.

“Not my name,” Eddie retorts before turning to Stephanie, “Stephanie, Richie, Richie, Stephanie,” he says gesturing between the two of them.

“Richie Tozier at your service,” Richie says in his British guy accent with an overdramatic bow and a mime of tipping his hat. He sees Stephanie giggle lightly and it makes him feel accomplished. He’s glad that she’s someone who can take a joke, he doesn’t know if he could bear it if Stephanie was just someone without a sense of humour. It would probably be one of the only things that would make Richie feel more awkward than he already does.

The Losers quickly order their ice creams, Eddie paying for Stephanie despite her insistence that he doesn’t have to. At first, the conversation is stilted, the Losers unsure of how to behave while Stephanie awkwardly introduces herself. Apparently, her family moves around a lot for her dad’s work and that’s how she ended up in Derry. She seems nice and fairly down to earth, not bothering to get caught up in the dramas of other girls at Derry High. Richie decides that she’s good for Eddie, he deserves a nice girl like her, that’s just what Richie has to keep reminding himself over and over and over. After the first introductions the conversation naturally shifts towards Eddie and Stephanie’s relationship and Richie begins to feel that jealous discomfort deep within his gut.

“I don’t know, I just always thought he was cute and after we got paired together for an English assignment a little bit into the school year it just kind of grew from there,” Stephanie says and the Losers nod along smiling. Richie remembers Eddie telling him about that English assignment when complaining about his teacher one afternoon, but he certainly doesn’t remember Eddie telling him about the girl he was partnered with, but maybe Richie just wasn’t paying much attention.

“We got along so well, it felt almost natural,” Eddie explains, and Richie shifts uncomfortably in his chair, he catches Stan looking at him curiously out of the corner of his eye and it makes him feel worse. He hopes that Eddie doesn’t notice that he’s acting slightly off. Just the fact that Eddie said it felt natural really struck Richie deeply because he knows that he’ll probably never have something or someone who it just feels natural with. Instead, he’s trying to come to terms with the fact that he’ll probably be alone forever.

“Well I’m happy for you two,” Bev says and both Eddie and Stephanie smile.

“Yeah, me too,” Richie forces out suddenly, and he knows that it sounds unnatural as soon as he says it. Eddie looks at Richie with his brows slightly furrowed for a second but then slightly shakes his head dismissively, most likely remembering their conversation from the previous day. Stan however, shoots Richie a direct look that Richie can’t tell what it means. All it does is make him want to sink further into his seat.

The Losers and Stephanie hang around talking for a little while longer, Richie staying uncharacteristically quiet the whole time. But eventually, Stephanie says that she should probably go and the Losers all stand up, politely bidding her goodbye. She gives Eddie a quick goodbye peck on the lips and Richie has to avert his eyes. He forces down the lump that rises in his throat and just gives Stephanie a quick wave, not trusting himself to speak.

Once Stephanie is gone, Richie doesn’t want to hang around with the Losers for fear of them asking him questions that Richie was not prepared to answer. He knows that at least Stan was seeing him acting weird, but he doesn’t have a proper explanation for why, at least not one that he could tell anyone.

“Well, I should go too,” Richie announces and quickly turns on his heel, avoiding the concerned gazes of most of the Losers. He starts walking quickly in the direction of his house but only a couple of minutes later he hears the sound of someone jogging to catch up with him.

“Richie, wait,” Stan calls and Richie is slightly surprised. He’d first assumed that it would be Eddie trying to follow him.

“What do you want, Stan?” Richie asks, it comes out ruder than he intended it to. Stan puts his hands up and makes sure to keep slightly more distance between himself and Richie than usual. Richie and Stan fall into pace next to each other, Richie slowing down from his speeding pace he was taking before.

“I just wanted to talk about how you’re doing,” Stan says, Richie hates how genuinely caring it sounds. Stan is his oldest friend, but he still can’t stand to talk to him about his feelings. It makes him feel weak and exposed. He must have looked even more obvious than he thought if Stan wants to actually talk rather than just hassle him.

“What the fuck do you mean ‘how I’m doing?” Richie asks defensively. He knows exactly what Stan means, he saw the way Stan was looking over at him, he just hates that he can’t hide everything he’s feeling as well as he wants to.

“I just want you to know,” Stan starts, and Richie can tell he’s nervous, he doesn’t often break from his stoic expression and when he does, that means he’s serious. The fact that Richie can tell Stan’s nervous only makes Richie more nervous, Stan was always the perceptive one and Richie’s doesn’t want him to realise the truth. “I just want you to know that it’s okay to feel jealous.”

Richie feels his stomach drop out through his feet and he instinctively stops walking. Richie feels like he needs to throw up. He wants to run away but his feet feel glued down. Richie opens and closes his mouth a couple times before he can force a reply out. He knows that the way he’s acting only makes him more suspicious, but his brain feels like it’s full of cotton and he can’t think about anything right now.

“The fuck do you mean jealous?!” Richie all but yells and he can’t stand the way Stan is looking at him. He almost looks like he pities Richie and his eyes feel like their staring directly at Richie’s soul, the one that he’s been trying to hide for so long.

“Richie…” Stan says quietly and kindly as he places a hand on Richie’s shoulder. His touch is soft and careful but to Richie it feels like it’s burning.

“Fuck you!” Richie spits and shoves Stan’s hand off him. He knows that Stan doesn’t deserve this kind of reaction, but Richie doesn’t know what else to do, all he wants is to desperately leave this situation. His feet seem to have decided to unstick themselves from the ground and he takes off running, his long, lanky legs allowing him to run much faster than Stan, if he even decided to try and follow Richie. Richie can’t tell because all he hears is the repetitive sound of his shoes slapping the ground again, and again, and again all the way home.

When he gets to his house he gets in as fast as he can and runs up to his room. He grabs his pillow from off his bed and screams into it, all of the emotions that had been building up over the past couple of hours all overflowing. _‘Fuck,’_ he thinks _‘fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck’_.

***

_Dear Diary_

_So, I think Stan knows. No, Stan definitely knows. Why the FUCK does he have to be so smart and perceptive all the time? Why couldn’t he have just ignored me and brushed it off like the rest of the Losers? It feels so awful having someone else so close to my secret. Why can people just see through me? I spend my entire life trying to keep everything hidden away under lock and key and STILL people can see how dirty I actually am inside. God, I hope Stan doesn’t hate me now, I don’t know if I could live with Stan hating me. He did say that it was okay though. But what if that was just a lie? I can’t tell if the not knowing is worse. I should talk to him, shouldn’t I? Fuck, I definitely should. I guess I should just prepare for the worst conversation of my life._

_-Dumbass_

***

It’s later that evening when Richie finally forces himself to go over to Stan’s house. It takes him 10 minutes longer than it usually would because Richie was practically dragging his feet along to get there. The only think that kept him going was the disgusting sludge of guilt in his mind for yelling at Stan. He reaches Stan’s front door and knocks, putting on his best polite face in case it isn’t Stan who opens the door. Richie was right to do this as the stern face of Donald Uris greets him from the other side of the door.

“Richie Tozier?” he asks, confused.

“I’m sorry to disturb you Mr. Uris but I really have to speak to Stanley, it’s urgent,” Richie says in his most overly polite voice. Richie always called Stan Stanley in front of his parents; it was a vain attempt to get them to like him. Donald Uris looked confused but stepped back, opening the door anyway, a sign for Richie to make his own way to see Stan. Richie quickly thanks him and finds his way to Stan’s room. Richie knows Stan’s house like the back of his hand, he’s been visiting for over 10 years. Right when Richie reaches Stan’s door his nerves finally catch up to him as he realises what he’s about to do. He’s about to let someone else know the thing that he’d sworn to keep hidden under all circumstances. He couldn’t even tell the Losers, the people who were bound together for being outcasts and rejects. Richie takes a deep breath and forces himself to knock on Stan’s door, something he hasn’t done in years, he’s always just barged right in. The door opens and Stan peeks around, Richie can see the surprise on his face when he realises that it’s not one of his parents.

“Richie what are you-” he starts to ask, but Richie pushes through the door, shutting it behind him. He needs at least something between him and the rest of the Uris family hearing what he’s about to say.

“I need to talk to you, and I think you know why,” Richie says bluntly, taking a seat on Stan’s chair. Looking around, Stan’s room is as clean as it always is, nothing even an inch out of place.

“You’re not going to yell at me this time?” Stan asks and Richie shakes his head.

“No, I’m uh- I’m sorry about that.” This is how Stan knows he’s serious. Richie rarely apologises for anything, instead blazing ahead trying not to think to hard about how other people are feeling, if he does it will only make him feel worse about himself. Richie briefly meets Stan’s eyes and sees him staring kindly and patiently at him, Richie looks away. He can’t watch Stan’s face.

They both sit in silence for a minute before Richie realises that Stan’s not going to say anything, he’s waiting on Richie to start. Fuck Stan and his patience.

“That uh- that thing you said earlier,” Richie starts, awkwardly. His eyes are practically burning a hole right through one specific part of Stan’s floor and his hands are clasped together so tightly that his knuckles are completely white. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Stan nodding softly. “You were um, well, you were right,” Richie finally forces out. He’s not even actually _saying_ it and it’s still the hardest thing he’s ever said in his life. This is when Richie realises that Stan never actually said it either. _‘Oh god,’_ Richie thinks _‘what if I was wrong, what if Stan was thinking that I was jealous because I liked Stephanie. Oh god, oh fuck, what the fuck have a gotten myself into’._ The few seconds of silence before Stan responds feels like hours to Richie.

“You know that’s ok, right?” Stan finally says and he sounds so genuine, “It’s ok that you like Eddie.” It’s the first time that Richie has actually heard the words out loud, he’s never actually said it to himself before. It only makes it worse that Stan says it so kindly, something in the back of his mind almost prefers getting spat at by someone like Henry Bowers, at least then he knew how to feel. A lump rises in the back of his throat and his eyes prickle with tears he can’t contain. He _hates_ crying in front of people, it makes him feel weak.

“Yeah, well, tell that to Bowers” Richie chokes out with a wet laugh. He takes off his glasses to aggressively and quickly wipe at his eyes.

“Richie, Bowers is gone,” Stan reminds Richie, but Richie almost laughs again. Sure, he may be gone and locked up at Juniper Hill, but his memory will probably haunt Richie for years to come. The sound of him yelling “get the fuck out of here, faggot” still rings in Richie’s ears. It was one of the first times he felt truly seen and ever since that day he has been trying his best to never feel like that again. Obviously, he hasn’t been doing too well lately.

“Alright, then tell that to the rest of the world. To all the people who, if they knew, would call sick and disgusting and- and-” Richie fires back but is cut off by a choked back sob. He knows he’s spiralling thinking of all the worst-case scenarios. Then, Richie is startled by the feeling of a warm hand on his arm.

“Come on, stand up,” Stan coaxes and Richie shakily stands. As soon as he’s up he feels Stan’s arms wrap tightly around Richie’s body. Stan is definitely not a hugging person, rarely giving any of the Losers proper forms of physical affection; Richie isn’t much of a hugging person either, it feels far too intimate. But nevertheless, Stan hugs Richie tightly and Richie’s arms wrap around Stan, clinging to him like he’s never going to let go. Despite the height difference, Richie still leans down and rests his face on Stan’s shoulder and finally lets all of his emotions go.

He sobs against Stan’s shoulder and Stan doesn’t say anything about Richie getting his shirt wet. Instead he just lets Richie have his moment while slowly running his hands up and down Richie’s back. Richie hasn’t felt this close to a person in years and he didn’t realise how much he missed the feeling. There’s something about the feeling of feeling this connected to another person that makes Richie safe in a way he hasn’t for a very long time. He knows that his parents try and that they’re good people, but Richie just can’t feel close to them, he’s too scared of them leaving him if he accidentally lets them know too much.

They stay hugging like that, Richie still quietly crying, for at least 5 minutes, neither of them moving away. Richie knows that Stan is probably waiting for him to be ready and to start to pull away first. Again, Stan, the infinitely patient. But eventually Richie stops crying and pulls away from Stan’s embrace. Immediately, he misses its warmth.

“Feeling better?” Stan asks quietly and Richie nods. He realises that he is actually feeling better, better than he has in a long, long time. The crying was incredibly cathartic. “Do you want to talk about it?” Stan asks and Richie shakes his head. He still doesn’t know if he’s able to actually talk about what he’s feeling with anybody, but he finds comfort in knowing that Stan is there for when he needs him. Richie realises that he isn’t alone anymore and that, in itself, is enough.

***

_Dear Diary_

_Well, that went better than I expected. I did everything I thought I’d never do. Tell someone the truth, crying, hug, all that soppy shit and I don’t feel weak or exposed. I actually feel like some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I didn’t realise how heavy my burden was until part of it is gone. It’s still weird every time I remember that Stan knows, but if I were to tell anybody, I’m glad it was him. He deserves to know; he’s stuck around with me for god knows what reason and deserves something in return. If that was my deepest buried emotions handed over to him on a silver platter then so be it. Fuck, for once in my life I think I actually might feel a small sliver of peace. Maybe things are finally looking up in the tragedy that is the life of Richard Wentworth Tozier._

_-Dumbass_

***

Over the next few weeks Richie sees Eddie and Stephanie together around school. They walk in the hallways together, often holding hands, and give each other quick kisses goodbye. They are nowhere near the level of disgusting that Richie finds those couple who make out in the hallway, but Richie’s heart still slightly breaks every time he sees them together, he doesn’t know if he’d be able to function if Eddie and Stephanie _were_ like those couples. Richie’s glad that he doesn’t have any classes with both of them at the same time, he doesn’t know if he could handle Eddie choosing Stephanie over him. The Losers still hang out all together or in smaller groups outside of school, but Eddie isn’t there as often. It’s obvious that he does try, which Richie is grateful for, but even though Richie understands why Eddie is more distant than usual, it doesn’t mean that he has to accept it. A few times Eddie brings Stephanie along with him, but it’s obvious to everyone that she doesn’t immediately fit right in with the Losers. But how could she? Nobody else has been through what they’ve been through and deep-seated trauma is a vital part of being a Loser.

The day that truly hurts Richie’s heart is when Eddie doesn’t come to sit with them at lunch at all. Sometimes he sits with them for half of lunch, sometimes he comes with Stephanie, but he never just doesn’t show up at all. Until now, at least.

“Eddie’s really not going to show up, is he?” Ben asks about half an hour into their lunch break.

“H-He’s probab-bly too busy m-m-making out with S-Stephanie,” Bill jokes and the other Losers laugh. Richie’s heart sinks at the thought and he catches Stan look at him with sympathetic eyes. He and Stan still haven’t really talked about how Richie’s doing, instead communicating in quick shared glances. Richie doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to have a normal conversation with Stan, but the comfort of knowing that he could is enough.

“Hey, lay off him, he’s in loooove” Bev teases and Richie’s heart just sinks even further. _Is_ Eddie in love with Stephanie? The thought alone makes Richie feel sick. He can handle their relationship (barely) when he can just pass it off as a normal, brief high school relationship, but if Eddie was actually in love with her Richie doesn’t know what he’d do. But instead of acting strange and letting the other Losers in on what’s happening in his mind, he makes a joke instead.

“In love with her tits maybe,” he jokes sarcastically, taking comfort in the fact that the other Losers roll their eyes, just like normal.

“Beep-beep Richie,” a couple of the Losers say, slightly exasperated.

“What? You can’t tell me they’re not great!” In all honesty Richie has no idea what would make them great, but the Losers just groan at him. Well, the Losers minus Stan, who has now resumed his favourite hobby of rolling his eyes for Richie alone to see. That’s the downside of Stan knowing, he can see right through Richie’s weak façade of jokes and directly at the truth he’s trying to conceal with them.

“Beep- _beep_ Richie,” Bev says, and Richie takes that as his cue to stop. As much as Richie makes disgusting jokes about girls, when Bev tells him its time to stop, he shuts right up. He can’t really tell where the line is, so he lets Bev draw it for him. As much as he likes to push his friends’ buttons, he knows that he has to find sometime to stop.

The Losers, minus Eddie of course, sit around talking until the bell rings to signal the end of lunch break. They all make their way to their classes, but Richie is surprised when he feels someone grab onto his arm, lightly holding him back. It’s Stan.

“You good?” Stan asks simply. Richie definitely does _not_ want to start this conversation in the middle of a crowded cafeteria.

“I’m fine,” Richie dismisses and pulls his arm away. Richie can see a faint hint of annoyance in Stan’s eyes for half a second before it’s gone and replaced with Stan’s usual stoic appearance. Occasionally, Richie misses ease of being alone, when he didn’t have someone else constantly looking out for him. Richie turns away and heads to his next class and, for one of the first times, he’s glad that it’s one that he doesn’t have any friends in it with him.

***

_Dear Diary_

_So, Eddie didn’t show up to lunch today, I think this is a sign that things are heading downhill. He promised that he’d still spend time with us, with me, but that seems less true by the day. Why did Eddie just have to go and get a girlfriend? I thought Losers stick together? I guess fuck that if you can find a girl to go suck face with. I also think that Stan’s annoyed that I don’t talk to him more, he’ll never tell me this, but I’ve known Stan long enough to read him. Just because he knows my deepest darkest secret doesn’t mean I want to talk with him about it. I don’t think he understands how hard this is for me, I don’t feel like anyone will ever understand how shit I feel all the fucking time. God, why couldn’t things go back to the way they were a few years ago where I was blissfully unaware of how terribly the shit will hit the fan in my life._

_-Dumbass_

***

The weeks continue to go by, and Eddie still continues to drift further away. The change is slow and subtle but Richie notices, because of course he does. It doesn’t take long until Thanksgiving break comes, and Mike suggests that the Losers should all sleep over at his farm and fall asleep under the stars. All the Losers agree readily, including Eddie, who admits that he has been missing their company. Richie dismisses his thoughts of _‘well why not just come hang out with us more’_ and just appreciates what he can get.

The Losers all arrive at Mike’s house in the evening with bundles of blankets to keep warm in the unforgiving November in Derry temperatures. The sky is supposed to be clear and even in the early evening when the Losers arrive, they can already see the stars. They always seem brighter out by Mike’s farm, maybe it’s just the feeling of leaving behind the dense and oppressive air in the middle of Derry.

For the first little while the Losers stay in Mike’s barn, savouring the little bit of insulation it gives them while feasting on the food the Losers had all piled together from each of their houses, not to mention getting buzzed on the small stockpile of alcohol they had managed to sneak away without being caught. Richie loved the little bit of much needed extra warmth it gave him while also taking the edge off that he was constantly feeling around Eddie. He had however, decided that now was not the time to get shit-faced, because he didn’t trust what he’d do. Eddie and Stan also seemed to be refraining from drinking too much, Eddie worried about the impact of underage drinking on his brain, and Stan, well Stan was just too ‘responsible’ or as Richie liked to call it, boring.

The Losers were all sitting around joking, all at varying levels of sobriety, when Bev suddenly announces “I want to see the stars,” shakily standing up, dragging Ben up with her. He follows, red in the face from Bev’s overt affection that comes from being drunk. The Losers all seem to agree, some giving out grunts of approval and follow her out of the barn. A couple of Losers had already been starting to get drowsy from the alcohol and the whole point of this meet-up was to fall asleep under the stars.

Richie stands quickly, overdramatically offering Eddie his hands to help Eddie up, even though Richie knew he didn’t need it. So he was a sucker for physical contact, sue him.

“My Lord,” Richie says in his British guy accent, but Eddie tries to shove him away as best he can from his position on the floor. He ends up mostly pushing against Richie’s thigh, which to Richie’s slightly hazy mind, is _far_ too close to his crotch. The spot where Eddie touched him through his pants burns and, perhaps for the best, Eddie refuses to take Richie’s hand and simply pushes himself up off the ground.

Richie actively ignores the slight lingering feeling on his thigh and starts making his way outside with the rest of the Losers to go try and set themselves up to bunker down overnight.

There are piles of hay that Mike has strewn around the ground to try and get them more comfortable rather than them simply laying blankets and pillows over the cold, hard ground. Richie grabs the blankets and cushioning he brought for himself and sets up a small little spot where he has a fairly clear view of the sky without trees hanging overhead. The Losers are all sleeping fairly close together to have the added warmth of each other’s body heat. It takes a second for him to notice Eddie setting up his stuff beside Richie. It reminds him of the sleepovers they used to have as kids, sleeping side by side as if they were in their own little world.

Looking around, Richie sees all of the other Losers begin to settle in, Ben and Bev’s stuff looking suspiciously close together, even with the excuse of ‘sharing body heat’.

“Hey asshole, are you actually going to lie down or just stare at the others all night,” Eddie pipes up with and Richie hadn’t realised how long he was spaced out and looking at the others for. Now that he really pays attention, all of the other Losers had snuggled into their blankets comfortably with whispers of conversation being passed around. So, Richie lies down and gets comfortable.

The conversations about nothing in particular trail off quickly off quickly, leaving the group of Losers all just listening quietly to the sounds of Mike’s farm around them. Those of which who hadn’t already fallen asleep. Richie is thinking in his own little world when he suddenly gets snapped out of it by the feeling of warmth of the back of Eddie’s hand pressing against his. At first, Richie thinks that Eddie must have slightly moved his hand over in his sleep but when Richie actually tunes in to Eddie’s breathing, Richie can tell he’s wide awake. He’s had enough sleepovers with Eddie that he can tell whether or not he’s asleep.

All Richie can sense are the sounds of Eddie breathing and the feeling of the back of Eddie’s hand pressed against his own.

Normally, Richie would probably simply pretend to readjust his position, forcing himself to break the contact. But today, in what must be a slight surge of confidence left over from the alcohol, he stretches out his fingers backwards and lightly wraps a couple of them around Eddie’s. He listens as Eddie’s breath hitches very slightly, but he doesn’t pull away. Richie pointedly makes sure to keep his eyes fixated on the stars above, feeling as if he might combust if he looked Eddie in the eyes. What he didn’t know, was that Eddie was doing the exact same thing. The light touch connecting them is very small, but it feels like the universe to Richie. He feels like he could stay like this, connected to Eddie, and feel more alive than he has in a very long time. And so, they stay like that, neither of them daring to move their hand even slightly, until they both eventually drift off to sleep.

***

_Dear Diary_

_What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck did that mean. We basically fucking held hands, why did I do that? But more importantly why didn’t Eddie pull away? There’s no way that it meant the same thing to him as it did to me, he has a fucking girlfriend for gods sake. He was probably drunker than I thought, he may have only drunk a little, but he is a lightweight after all. God, I’m so glad nobody else could see it, I mean what would the other Losers say, what would they_ think _. Stan would probably be happy though, say some bullshit about being ‘proud’ or whatever the fuck. There’s nothing to be proud of. I did something weird and dumb last night and Eddie’s drunk brain didn’t catch up to him about the implications. That must be the only explanation. Right?_

_-Dumbass_

***

Eventually, the holiday break ends, and the Losers go back to school. Richie and Eddie don’t talk about that night because according to Richie, absolutely nothing happened so therefore, there’s nothing to talk about. Or at least, that is what Richie is actively trying to convince himself for fear of getting his hopes up. A small part of him is still trying to convince himself that Eddie drunk far more than Richie thought and doesn’t even _remember_ what Richie had done.

The weeks start to pass and midterms creep slightly closer, and Eddie is obviously stressed. Richie is as relaxed as ever; he barely has to study and can coast by on A’s and B’s, something that greatly annoys some of the other Losers, particularly Eddie. Eventually Eddie seems to swallow his pride and asks Richie for help studying that Saturday. Of course, Richie readily agrees, never one to pass up an opportunity to hang out one on one with Eddie, particularly not after he’s been spending time with Stephanie.

“Come to beg me for help I see,” Richie teases after he opens the door that Saturday morning.

“Shut up, jackass,” Eddie mumbles, pushing past Richie. Richie smirks to himself, enjoying the small rise he can get from Eddie. Eddie makes his way to Richie’s room and Richie trails behind him.

“So Eds, what do you need help with? English? Math?” he takes a pause “Chemistry?” he says suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows. Hiding the truth with a joke, that’s the Richie Tozier specialty.

“Beep-beep, and don’t call me Eds.”

“Sure thing, Edward Spaghedward,” Richie says, making sure to use a nickname that he knew Eddie thought was worse.

“Just- just help me with math, okay?” Eddie sounds exasperated and Richie relents. Math is something he can do, something that he can control, unlike his normal life. There is a right and wrong answer and Richie enjoys that, he gets a problem and he can solve it, he thinks it’s nice to be able to do that for once.

They work through a variety of different problems over the next few hours, Richie actually choosing to be serious for once, knowing that Eddie is appreciating the help. Richie doesn’t understand Eddie’s need to excel in school, but he’ll help him do it anyway. As they work, Richie’s mind is running wild as their bodies press together when he leans over to see what Eddie has done, but he tries his hardest to act as normal as possible. Richie forgets about the rest of their world while they study in their own little bubble. That is until, Eddie pops it.

“Oh shit, I promised Stephanie that I’d meet up with her this afternoon,” Eddie says, a hint of panic is his voice, and Richie feels his heart sink. 

“Oh, alright, I guess I’ll see you around then,” Richie says, trying to make sure he doesn’t sound as disheartened as he feels. Eddie quickly packs up his stuff, shoving the books on the table into his bag before slinging it around his shoulder. Eddie goes to walk out the door but turns back as the last second.

“Thanks, by the way,” he says, and Richie can tell that it’s genuine. It makes his heart beat just a little faster in his chest.

“Anytime, Eds.”

“Don’t call me Eds” Eddie fires at him right before he leaves, closing the door behind him. Richie allows himself to slightly smile, he knows that he’d probably look insane if anyone were to come in and see him but at least point he doesn’t really care.

***  
  


It’s later that evening when Richie realises that his diary is missing. It’s not in the drawer he usually hides in it and as soon as he realises that he basically tears his room apart in a panicked frenzy. He opens every drawer it could possibly he in and rips his blanket off of his bed, aggressively shaking it on the off chance his diary might fall out. The more he thinks about it the more he can’t remember putting it away. He wracks his mind as best as he can and comes up with nothing, he had just written in it while it was on his desk and then…nothing. All he remembers is getting into bed after that. Admittedly, it takes Richie longer than it should to realise that the only explanation is that he accidentally left it out on his desk and Eddie must have picked it up and put it in his bag without realising in his hurry to leave.

Richie is immediately bowled over by a massive wave of dread. It has been a few hours and the sky has gone dark. Eddie must have been home for ages already, plenty of time for him to have gotten his books out of his bag, notice something that most definitely wasn’t his and read it out of curiosity. Richie’s heart pounds at the possibility. He forces himself not to think about the what-ifs and acts on instinct alone. 

It’s too late for Richie to leave through the front door, not prepared to answer his parents’ questions on where he’s going at this hour. Instead, he jumps out of his window with the familiarity of doing it a hundred times. He’s jumping out of his window and making his way to Eddie’s house, climbing in Eddie’s window. He’s got it down to a routine at this point, although he hasn’t done it in a little while. He used to do it when he was too scared to be alone. It got particularly bad after the whole Pennywise incident, neither of them really wanting to be alone. Richie thinks that those nights, whispering his deepest darkest fears back and forth with Eddie were the nights he fell in love with him.

 _“Shit,”_ Richie thinks suddenly “ _I’m really head over heels in love with Eddie fucking Kaspbrak_.”

He doesn’t know how he hadn’t properly thought about this before. Some random crush doesn’t last over 3 years and practically take over your entire mind. But this realisation only makes Richie’s heart pound even faster as he remembers that all of that might just be ruined. He practically sprints over to Eddie’s house, the anxiety of not knowing whether or not he’s about to lose Eddie forever is absolutely crushing him.

Richie’s not a runner, he has never been. But his long, lanky legs are carrying him faster than he has even ran in his life. He can almost hear the adrenaline pumping through his veins and his heart pounding away at a mile a minute in his chest. He slows when he reaches Eddie’s house, not realising how out of breath he’d become. Still high on adrenaline, he clambers through Eddie’s window, ungracefully collapsing on his floor. Eddie looks up from the comic he was reading, startled.

“ _Richie?_ ” Eddie whisper-yells, the confusion obvious in his tone, “what are you-?”

“I think you have something of mine,” Richie says quickly, cutting Eddie off. He begins rifling through Eddie’s bag that had been sitting open beside the end of his bed. His breathing picks up when he can’t find it and he starts practically ripping the books out of Eddie’s bag.

“Richie!” Eddie says, more demanding than confused this time. Richie doesn’t look up at him, he just continues on his frantic search through Eddie’s bag. He knows that he might be making slightly to much noise, but he can’t bring himself to care. He cares about one thing and one thing _only_ at the moment, and that is finding his diary.

“Richie!” Eddie demands again, lightly kicking Richie in the side, and Richie is temporarily snapped out his focused mindset. It’s a good thing too because when he looks up, he sees Eddie standing over him with Richie’s diary in hand, looking guilty. Richie suddenly feels the need to vomit but he knows he can’t do that on Eddie’s floor. Instead, he forces the urge down as Eddie begins to speak.

“Look, I wasn’t going to read it, I swear I really wasn’t, but then curiosity got the best of me and I’m really sorry. I am, I’m really sorry. I just-”

Richie doesn’t get to hear the rest of what Eddie says because the ringing in his ears gets far too loud. He practically rips the diary out of Eddie’s hand, not sure where the strength to stand came from. All he wants to do is collapse, he feels truly defeated. But still, some sort of magical energy from adrenaline and fear forces him up and as soon as he has a steady grip on the diary, he practically launches himself out of Eddie’s window.

He can tell that he’s slightly hurt his ankle when he lands but his mind is too clouded with other thoughts. He feels like his whole world has collapsed and left him stranded and exposed. As much as he wants to go home and curl up in his bed, blocking out the rest of the world, his mind is still rational enough to tell him that Eddie might try to follow him there and the last thing he wants to do in this moment is look at Eddie’s face again. That look of guilt on his face has transferred itself onto Richie and moulded into an intense guilt for even writing all of those thoughts down. They should have been kept locked away for nobody else to know, he was doing so well up until this point. Nobody knew, nobody except-

Stan.

Stan knows.

Richie completely changes his course and finds his way to Stan’s house. When he gets there, he notices the light on in Stan’s bedroom upstairs. To get Stan’s attention, Richie finds little pebbles on the ground and starts throwing them, hearing the little ‘ _plink_ ’ as they knock against the windowpane. It doesn’t take long for Stan to force open his window and look down to find Richie staring desperately back at him. Richie doesn’t know if he could take it if Stan turned him away.

When Stan first looks down, he looks annoyed, on the verge of telling Richie to fuck off. But apparently Richie looks like he’s in such distress that Stan’s face changes into something much softer. He signals for Richie to go to the backdoor. Richie finds some comfort in the fact that Stan is still there for him. As antagonistic as their relationship seems, they both deeply care for the other, but neither of them are the type of people to show it. That’s just the way Richie likes it.

Usually, when Richie enters through a backdoor, he would make some sort of crude joke, but this time he doesn’t feel up to it. Instead he just silently follows Stan up to his room, making sure to not make any noise that may disturb Stan’s parents. He makes sure to skip the creaking steps as he pads his way to Stan’s room.

“What happened?” Stan asks after he shuts his door behind them.

“He read it, he _fucking_ read it,” Richie chokes out, only realising how angry he is as he says the words. He knows that he doesn’t have a right to be angry, who wouldn’t read a book full of someone else’s secrets when it practically falls right into their lap.

“I’m going to assume you’re talking about Eddie,” Stan says, obviously trying to keep his voice calm and level, but it only works to make Richie feel angrier, “But I need you to help me out here, what did he read?” Richie then feels like an idiot because why on earth would Stan know about his diary. He had tried his hardest to make sure that nobody else found it, but apparently that had just exploded in his face. Richie doesn’t care enough to explain it, so he just haphazardly throws his diary at Stan. Stan skilfully catches it and flips through the first few pages silently, skimming over what Richie’s written.

Richie is sitting down on Stan’s floor and he feels Stan come and sit down next to him. Richie takes comfort in Stan lightly leaning against him.

“I-I’m sorry Richie” Stan says, and Richie doesn’t know how to respond. So, they both just sit there together on Stan’s floor. It’s not comfortable but they stay there until Richie finally calms down. His breathing slowly evens out and he finally stops feeling his heart pounding in his chest and hearing it in his skull. It takes a little while, but Stan is either too polite to say anything or really doesn’t mind the discomfort.

“Uh, thanks for letting me in by the way,” Richie says, breaking the silence that had finally come over the room in the absence of Richie’s panting.

“It’s no problem.”

“I just didn’t really know where to go because I didn’t to go home because-”

“Richie, it’s fine” Stan says slightly firmer than his normal tone and Richie shuts up. They fall back into another silence, this one slightly more awkward than the last.

“What did he say, anyway?” Stan asks and Richie realises that he had almost forgotten the reason he had shown up to Stan’s house in the first place. The diary, how could he have forgotten that Eddie read his diary?

“Oh, um, he apologised for reading it, but I didn’t really hear much else, I left pretty quickly,” Richie admits, his actions suddenly feeling like the wrong choice. Eddie had never actually _said_ that he hated Richie and never wanted to see him again. But that must be what he was thinking, right? The more Richie thinks back, the more he realises that Eddie didn’t actually look disgusted, he never even told Richie to leave when he barged in through Eddie’s window. In fact, Eddie never even mentioned the diary until Richie was rifling through his bag, not that Richie gave him much time to speak. He didn’t look scared or disgusted or angry or any of the other things that were racing through Richie’s mind, he just looked guilty.

“You realise that this means that you’re going to have to talk to him, right?” Richie rolls his eyes but nods reluctantly in response.

“Fuck, yeah, I know, I know.” Richie does know, he can’t just leave his and Eddie’s relationship in this weird purgatory space. Richie knows that he needs confirmation, he just has to steel himself up for the worst-case scenario. Even if Eddie didn’t say anything that Richie’s mind was telling him that Eddie was thinking, he still can’t be sure. “I’m just scared,” Richie admits quietly. It almost feels strange to be this honest with another person.

“Yeah, well, I don’t think you should be,” Stan says mysteriously, Richie whips his head around to stare at him, confused.

“The fuck do you mean by that, Uris? This is probably going to be the most terrifying conversation of my life.” Just the possibility that Eddie might hate him now is a thought that terrifies Richie to his core. It’s not like Eddie could ever return his feelings so now their friendship will be changed forever. Even if Eddie doesn’t leave him, they could never go back to the same easy way they joked with each other again. Eddie would know the hidden truth behind his jokes. Some small, sick and twisted part of Richie just wants Eddie to scream at him all the things that Richie thinks he might just to get it over with. Just to have their relationship snap completely so that Richie doesn’t have to experience the painful awkwardness of trying to redefine their friendship and boundaries. 

“Just- he might surprise you,” Stan says enigmatically, surely he can’t be implying what Richie thinks he’s implying. Although, Stan always was the perceptive one, and he _was_ right about Richie… No. Richie shakes himself out of his thoughts. Eddie has a girlfriend for crying out loud. But there was that night stargazing. Richie feels heat creep up his neck at the memory. Just the thought that it may have meant something more than Richie had convinced himself it did sets off small sparks of excitement in the back of his brain. “Is Richie Tozier blushing?!” Stan exclaims quietly and is only makes Richie flush slightly darker with embarrassment.

“No, fuck you,” Richie says, lightly batting Stan, he knows that it does noting to help his face. Stan only looks at him curiously, obviously waiting for an explanation. “Fine,” Richie eventually relents and Stan leans forwards slightly with intrigue. “So, you remember that night on Thanksgiving break when we all went to sleep over at Mike’s place?” Richie asks, seeing Stan smirk very slightly with a quick nod, “well, Eddie and I maybe fell asleep kind of, partially, holding hands?” Richie doesn’t know why it comes out as a question.

“Shit, nice going, Tozier,” Stan jokes, clapping Richie on his back. This is the first time that Richie is really allowing himself to think about it as anything other than a drunken confusion on Eddie’s end. For one thing, he really didn’t drink that much, after all. “Now you _definitely_ have to go and talk to him.” Richie groans, lying back on Stan’s floor, flopping an arm over his eyes to block out the light.

“What about Stephanie?” Richie asks as a partial afterthought. Stan shrugs before realising that Richie can’t see him.

“You still have to talk to him,” Stan counters and Richie knows that he’s right. Stan is always the person who knows the responsible thing to do. 

“Fine, just- can I sleep over here tonight? I don’t particularly want to talk to him tonight and I’m worried he might go try to find me at home, if he hasn’t already.” Luckily for Richie, it’s a Saturday so he doesn’t have to rush home in the morning to get ready for school.

“Sure, but you’d probably have to share my bed, I doubt I can find the spare mattress without waking my parents.” Stan has a double-sized mattress so they both fit, admittedly not overly comfortably. But Richie agrees, slightly surprised that Stan is still willing to share a bed with him.

“Oh, um, thanks,” Richie says, deciding that he’s too tired to make any jokes. He’s also nervous to pass up the offer in case Stan decides that it makes him too uncomfortable and rescinds the offer. Richie hadn’t gotten out of his clothes when he realised that his diary was missing so he’s still wearing his normal clothes, resigning himself to sleeping in them. Stan offers to lend him something else to sleep in but Richie refuses, wanting to make a quick escape tomorrow morning. Richie crawls into Stan’s bed and Richie all but presses himself against the wall, not wanting to make Stan uncomfortable by invading his space. He watches Stan seems to debate whether or not to say anything, but he seems to decide against it, turning off his light and sliding into his bed next to Richie. Richie falls asleep much faster than he was expecting, the exhaustion of the past hour or so seemingly all hitting him at once.

***

When Richie wakes up the next morning, he is initially confused, forgetting that he slept in Stan’s bed last night. When he wakes up Stan is still asleep and Richie curses himself for taking the side against the wall as he awkwardly tries to sneak over Stan without waking him. He knows he failed when he hears Stan grumble. Still, Richie sneaks over to the door, making sure to pick up his diary from where it has been left on the ground.

“Good luck,” Richie hears Stan sleepily mumble before he closes the door and sneaks as quietly and quickly as he possibly can to sneak out the backdoor without being caught. Luckily, he makes it without any problems then heads over to his house. He can still feel a slight twinge in his ankle from diving out of Eddie’s window last night, but he mostly walks it off.

Richie showers and gets into a fresh change of clothes, trying his best to look put together and presentable. He psyches himself up in the mirror when doing his hair, trying to distract himself from the ball of nerves slowly growing in his gut. As soon as he feels presentable enough, he heads out to Eddie’s. It’s much earlier in the morning than he would generally want to get out of bed, but he feels like if he delays himself any longer, he’s just going to end up hiding in his room until Monday morning.

He goes up to Eddie’s window and takes a deep breath before rapping lightly on the windowpane. He sees Eddie look up at his window, confused. As soon as Eddie locks eyes with Richie he gets off his bed and opens the window. Eddie still has a slight case of bedhead that Richie thinks is cute.

“We need to talk,” Richie says as soon as Eddie opens the window. He hates how it sounds, it reminds him of the fear that phrase always struck in his heart when his parents used it as his mind suddenly tries to provide him with a million examples of things they might need to talk to him about.

“Uh, yeah, just give me a second and I’ll go with you, we can’t talk here.” Richie understands the unsaid reference to Eddie’s mother and simply nods. Eddie seems to grab some clothes and leaves to the bathroom to get changed. Only a couple minutes later Eddie is standing outside next to Richie, apparently having said some bullshit excuse to his mother.

“Clubhouse?” Richie suggests after they just stand awkwardly beside each other, neither of them taking the lead to go somewhere. Eddie nods and follows him. Eddie seems to deliberately stay beside Richie to avoid talking on the walk and Richie doesn’t let himself think too hard about the connotations of that. Thankfully, once they get to the clubhouse it’s empty and they have it all to themselves. They both climb down the ladder stand facing each other, seemingly neither of them knowing what to say or who should start.

“So-” Richie starts but instead of getting to finish whatever he was going to say, Eddie surges forward.

Admittedly, it takes Richie far longer than it should do realise that Eddie’s kissing him. As soon as his mind catches up to his body he immediately starts kissing back, his brain not thinking about the implications or the consequences, all he can think about is the feeling if Eddie’s lips on his and Eddie’s hands in his hair. He can tell that Eddie’s on his tiptoes, so he leans down to accommodate for the height difference. He doesn’t realise that he’s been stepping backwards until his back is pressed against the wall of the clubhouse. Richie feels like he’s been left stranded, no idea what he’s meant to be doing or what direction to take, but apparently Eddie does, and Richie lets him take the lead. Richie swears that the few minutes they spent making out against the wall of the clubhouse were the best few minutes of his life. Afterwards, they are both left lightly panting, their foreheads leaning against each other.

“Now we _definitely_ need to talk” Richie breathes out with a light laugh. Of all the different scenarios of how this conversation would play out, this was certainly not one of the options he’d imagined could happen. He can still feel his lips slightly buzzing and he wonders where Eddie learned to kiss like that until he remembers that Eddie’s had a girlfriend for the past couple months. “ _Shit_ , _Eddie has a girlfriend and here he is, just having made out with me. What the fuck does that mean?”_ Richie thinks. “Wait, fuck,” Richie says, lightly pushing Eddie off him, immediately regretting it as he misses the warmth. He can see the hurt in Eddie’s eyes “you have a girlfriend.”

Richie watches as the hurt dissipates from Eddie’s eyes and turns into understanding.

“We uh- we broke up,” Eddie explains awkwardly.

“Oh, um-” Richie tries but he’s not sure of what to say. Should he feel sorry for Eddie? Because he most certainly doesn’t.

“I broke up with her as soon as I read your diary.” Realisation washes over Richie and it feels like the second best feeling in the world, second only to kissing Eddie, of course. Eddie _likes_ him, as in wants to _date_ him. Or at least, that’s what Richie thinks, his brain isn’t processing things well at the moment. He’s feeling a lot of things all at once and doesn’t know what to do with them, so he just lunges forwards to kiss Eddie again. That’s the one thing his brain is telling him to do in that moment. He feels Eddie smile against his lips. This time isn’t as aggressive as the last, they both feel a lot more confident in their actions, instead using this kiss to say all they things they can’t articulate in words. They keep kissing for far longer than they probably need to but eventually they do break away but continue standing against each other, feeding off of the other’s warmth.

“Every time I kissed Stephanie, I was imagining you,” Eddie admits, and Richie feels his heart soar, “and it definitely did not compare to the real thing.” Richie stays soaking in this sense of euphoria for a second longer, savouring it in his memory before he eventually breaks it with the question he knows he has to ask.

“Why were you dating Stephanie anyway if you’re- if you wanted to kiss me” Richie says, unable to ask the real question he has. He can fucking kiss Eddie but still can’t say the word, who the fuck is he? He feels Eddie shrug against him.

“She asked me out and I knew it might help stop the rumours. Plus, I wanted to know what it felt like just to be sure.” When Richie thinks about it, the rumours about Eddie did seem to stop. Richie hadn’t heard Eddie called a fairy or girly boy for at least a few weeks. Then, the doubt starts to seep into Richie’s subconscious. Eddie said that he wanted to be sure and what if dating Stephanie had changed his mind. Sure, he said that kissing Richie was better than kissing Stephanie but what if he was just saying that?

“So, you wanted to be sure? What’s the diagnosis Dr. K?” Richie had instinctively fallen back into his habit of dumb nicknames and it felt nice, it meant that he was feeling normal again. _Better_ than normal actually. Eddie leans back and makes a face at Richie’s wording but then looks him directly in the eyes.

“Definitely gay,” Eddie says with a smile and it’s like he’s broken the last invisible barrier in Richie’s mind.

“Yeah, me too, definitely gay.” It’s the first time he’s actually admitted it out loud and it doesn’t sound as dirty as he thought it would. Instead, it feels like even more weight has been lifted off of his shoulders, just like it did when he confessed to Stan.

“Good,” is all Eddie says before leaning in to kiss Richie again.

They stay like that, alternating between talking and kissing for what feels like infinity to Richie, but in reality, is more like half an hour. They somehow manage to manoeuvre their way into the hammock. Eddie has to almost completely lie down on top of Richie just to get them to fit, but Richie’s certainly not complaining.

“You know, I looked for you last night,” Eddie says in one of their brief breaks in between kissing.

“Hmm?” Richie hums before realising the question behind Eddie’s words. “Oh, yeah, I went to sleep at Stan’s”

“Stan’s?”

“Yeah, he um, well he figured out that I liked you a little while ago and I didn’t want to go home in case you followed me because I wasn’t ready to talk to you. I was too scared of the thought that you might hate me.” The thought seems dumb to Richie now that he’s lying with Eddie in a hammock in between bouts of them kissing each other senseless.

“Oh, you like me, do you?” Eddie teases and Richie shoves him in response. The hammock swings dangerously and they both freeze, internally willing it not to flip. Luckily, the swaying calms down and Eddie relaxes back on top of Richie. Maybe it’s the brief distraction of the hammock that causes Richie to reply like he does.

“Yeah, I love you.”

Richie realises what he’s just admitted as soon as it passes through his lips. He feels both him and Eddie tense up slightly for a second before Eddie breathes out “I think I love you too.” Richie has never loved another person more than in the exact moment that Eddie said those words. Overwhelmed with emotion, Richie surges forwards and kisses him, hard. However, what he doesn’t account for is the fact that his sudden movements cause the hammock to sway and this time both of them aren’t so lucky as they are tipped out of the hammock and onto the hardwood floor of the clubhouse. They both groan slightly in pain before Richie starts to laugh. He’s not sure what overtakes him but soon Richie and Eddie are lying on the floor of the clubhouse, laughing so hard that they’re almost crying, still partially tangled up in each other. Richie decides that despite the fact it’s only morning, today is the best day of his life.

***

Eventually, they both leave the clubhouse, knowing they can’t hide in there forever, no matter how much they want to. They eventually decided that they were going to slowly tell the other Losers, Richie still not ready to make a show of everything. They’re walking back towards Eddie’s house with their fingers loosely tangled together, reminiscent of that night they spent at Mike’s, but Richie suddenly realises something.

“I need to go tell Stan!” he announces excitedly, and Eddie laughs as Richie drags him along. They get to Stan’s house quickly and Richie starts throwing pebbles at Stan’s window again, not wanting to bother with one of Stan’s parents.

“Richie, you’ll break his window,” Eddie scolds once he realises what Richie’s doing, but Richie just ignores him and keeps throwing the pebbles until Stan opens his window. When he does eventually poke his head out, he looks cautious, probably seeing if he has to comfort a crying Richie again. However, he breaks into a large smile when he sees that Richie is sporting one. Richie clasps Eddie’s hand properly and holds their combined hands up for Stan to clearly see.

“I told you that you shouldn’t be worried!” Stan calls down and Richie can’t help but roll his eyes, of course Stan’s first response would be an ‘I told you so’.

“You’re just jealous, Stan-the-man!” Richie shoots back. Stan rolls his eyes and pulls his head back in, closing the window behind him. “He’s jealous,” Richie assures Eddie, who shoves Richie away with his shoulder due to his hand being otherwise occupied.

“God, I hate you sometimes” Eddie jokes but Richie’s smile twists mischievously.

“No, you love me Eds, remember?”

“Don’t call me Eds.”

“Oh, _that’s_ the part you disagree with,” Richie teases as Eddie sighs in exasperated defeat.

“Yeah, well, maybe I won’t love you for much longer if you keep this up”

“Ooh, Eds gets off a good one.” Eddie shoots Richie a quick glare at the nickname but chooses not to say anything. Instead, they finally start making their way in the direction of Eddie’s house again, neither of them noticing that they’re still firmly holding hands.

***

_Dear Richie’s Diary_

_Thank you for your service. You were very useful in allowing both Richie and I to get off of our asses and do something. But I now bid you goodbye, Richie has now grown out of being a hopeless romantic of a pre-teen girl and into a normal teen girl with an amazing, smart, funny, attractive boyfriend._

**_Shut the fuck up Eddie_ **

_That’s not what you were saying last night_

**_I hate you_ **

_Again, n-_

**_No fuck you, you don’t get to write in this again. But this is dumbass signing off forever as I have officially decided to stop being lonely and sad._ **

**_-Dumbass_ ** _(and Eds)_

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry if you get the pun of the name Stephanie Prince


End file.
